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3:18 p.m. - 2024-02-20
I'm still 21, aren't I? Not!
About two years ago, I hopped on and double posted "I'm fuckin' 50". So now 52 approaches and I can't say that I don't feel like I'm stuck in an accelerator and the years just keep passing and passing me by.

Gen X....we are old now....well not old but kind of. I mean millennials are giving way to the rise of Gen Z. And come on....we've lost relevancy and some of my Gen X compatriots are no longer even people I would want to know. The old days...the good old days...are past and the good old values and beliefs I clung to (and yes still do) don't seem to be as popular with most of my friends. I mean people who used to "fuck shit up" are now so normal and so narrow-minded I just can't put my mind around it.

And then there is the concept of not being able to fully recognize the person you are on the inside when you look in the mirror. I have BDD and this is worse for me but I know we all feel that. Who is that person looking at me? I mean I'm 21! Aren't I? And I'm not. And when I dream I am always that young, fun, crazy girl who wanted to save the world and wore some bad ass vintage clothes. I'm certainly not 52 and I haven't been sick yet and I don't have atrial fibrillation and I don't have those few extra pounds that the doctor says I have to lose and those hots guys from my youth aren't grandpas and there are no cellphones and everyone I ever loved is still alive.

Then the older you get the more losses you experience. People you love and people who were always there are now gone. The funerals, the memorial posts on Facebook, the prayer requests all serve as a reminder that the world you live in is disappearing piece by piece. I struggle with loss and though I will post in further depth about my father's death and my subsequent illness at a later time, I still struggle daily even though its been fourteen years.

And let's face has become a shitshow. Politics, pandemics, idiots, the general bullshit of the now has left me more cynical than ever before.

So let this be a little preview of posts to follow. I'm not quite as rebellious as I used to be but there is a whole lot to tell.



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